The Cowardly Monster (Final)
By JM Perez“I must respect the opinions of others even if I disagree with them.”
― Herbert H. Lehman
The mean to an end
Among my siblings, I was the only one who was not physically abused, and I am not sure why. I can assure you, however, that I received the most verbal and perhaps psychological abuse. I was constantly compared to other kids, belittled especially around my friends and when I would shed a tear, my father would say “Cesse tes larmes de crocodile” (stop your crocodile tears). Before life became hellish, when I would ask for transportation money, he would give me around 1,500 cfa for an entire month and would sometimes say “Tu me coûtes trop cher/ tu commences à me coûter trop cher!” (you cost me too much/you are starting to cost me too much). At some point I just stopped asking because it was just ridiculous. I didn’t try to beg, there was no use in begging. I understood that I wasn’t in his plans and respected his opinions. When it came to us, my father never gave out of love or duties, there always was a high price to pay for everything. He would do something good for one of us, and then turn around and boast to the others as if he did something no other person had ever done.
Healing through forgiveness
I was lucky and blessed with amazing friends, whose parents always regarded me as their own. Many of my dear friends, without ever knowing, stood by me and comforted me. I was never alone. I was never ashamed or afraid to ask for help or to seek counseling, and I received invaluable advice. In the end, I knew I had to forgive my father in order to move on and believe me, had I not done it, my life would have been in shamble.
I have prayed for my father and I am still praying for him. I took a leap of faith a few times, opening up to him and allowing him around me, just for me to be victimized again and again. With my father it has always been his way or the highway; he always wanted us to support him, even when he knew he was wrong. He does not like confrontation or peaceful conversations and as of now, he has refused every form of dialogue. He has blocked all the mediators and those who can rebuke him.
“Claim your loved ones in Jesus name so that their path will be true and safe.” ― Joan Ambu
Be kind to people, especially to your families and your children. Be available to your children and develop unshakeable trust to prevent them from falling into traps or feeling miserable.
My sister had many friends, some of which were bad influences. Had our father not locked her out of the house one afternoon when she returned home, maybe she would have led a different life. It was raining heavily that day, and he locked the gate and left her outside (he did the same thing to my Mother while she was pregnant with my sister and also while my Mother was pregnant with me). That evening, while being rained on and having nowhere to go, my sister met someone whom she ended up loving with every fiber of her being; this person, ended up betraying her in the most despicable way when she needed him most. Everything is detailed in her diary, which I will be publishing too.
Had our father not done that, and many other things, my sister would have been well balanced and she would have not met such individuals. Let’s be kind to others and treat one another as we would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12).
“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.” ― Lao Tzu
I always tell people to know themselves because if we truly know ourselves, then we can avoid unfortunate situations. I am not without fault, but I didn’t make some of the mistakes that kids do (stealing, sneaking out of the house, sleeping around, smoking, and much more). I never failed a single class and I was obedient. I know I have ‘a big mouth’, and I can’t remain silent in the face of injustice. I only speak of what I have seen, experienced and heard. This is my story, summarized for you. I never pitied myself because I was loved by so many and I am loved still. I am one of the happiest people you will ever meet and I enjoy helping others. I know who I am and I know my worth.
From a very young age, I figured out that my father was not a normal person. He was extremely kind to strangers and extremely wicked towards us. The aim was to act in a way that no one would believe us, should we ever complain about the way he treated us. Sure enough, no one believed us; not because they trusted him, but because he was so good at being bad. Our successes were his and our failures were our Mother’s. We were nothing to him and we are still nothing to him, it was always about controlling to make himself feel important. My father lacks empathy; when we almost lost brother number 1 in 1997, it didn’t matter to our father. Early in 1998, brother number 3 climbed up a mango tree and fell to the ground, barely escaping death. When my Mother told our father about it, he said, “Why didn’t he just die?”
My father is extremely manipulative and his preferred power moves are: Pressure, shaming, blaming, and guilt trips. About four years ago or so he sent us a collective message the second week of December, demanding that we should send him a Mercedes by the end of that year (we had less than two weeks to comply). We just ignored him. If my father wants something that he cannot have, he will make sure that no one else gets it. He has tried for so many years to seize my Mother’s properties and when he couldn’t succeed, he convinced my maternal cousins that one of the properties belonged to their deceased mother (it almost created serious problems within the family). This is how evil my father is; even when he sees tangible proof, he refuses to accept it and distorts the truth. We have always hoped that in time, he will become more caring and honest, but it’s just the opposite.
“Love doesn’t die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.” — Frank Salvato.
When my father spoke of 17 years of crimes I committed against him, I was speechless.
I forgave him, totally and completely. I had to, in order to survive. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean submitting to the same wrong and hurt. I am not looking back because there is nothing left there for me. The Bible commands us to obey our parents in the Lord and for our fathers not to exasperate us (Ephesians 6:1-4). We should obey our parents in the Lord (only), meaning obedience in all things that are right, unless it violates God’s words.
To my father, I urge you to change your ways for your sake. You want to see your own children fail at all cost, you want us to be miserable because you cannot find happiness. Do you think any of my brothers trust you or support you in your delusions? Have any of them agreed yet to have my blood on their hands? Do you think they have forgotten what you did to them? You drove my sister from the house, kicked me out of my room and asked me to move into her room, then the next day you kicked my Mother from your room and asked her to move into mine. Was your plan to come and kill me quietly, without anyone witnessing, and then act surprised? What you did early that morning, sir, is referred to as a “crime” and exposing your evil deeds to your bosses and anyone who could help us is referred to as “complaints.”
For the past twenty-four years, you have been unable to list just one crime I committed against you; even when the Pastor asked you, you said ‘She did nothing wrong’. Were my crimes perhaps surviving? Knowing too many of your dark secrets? You not being promoted to the rank of General because the wrong daughter died? Isn’t it enough that you emptied my sister bank account after hating her so much and not wanting to release her birth certificate? This is my last act of kindness to you; all manipulation and intimidation end here. You have no rights over my life; it doesn’t belong to you, and it doesn’t even belong to me. The following is part of what you wrote and sent to my Mother: “I will from this day, July 5th 2021, alive or dead, perform my paternal rights and Joan will pay for her seventeen years crimes against me.” If you still believe that you, a sinner, can or have the right to curse me, then once again, I dare you to try. I do not answer to the devil and I do not fear you. I am a child of God and I stand behind Psalm 7. Do what you must, and my God will do what He must.
There is a monster in all of us, however, we can tame it by choosing to love …
